Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Christmas Gifts for Opera Singers - Part 1


10. The Opera Cooks - The opera singer can be quite lazy when they're not working.  Of course the many nights and early mornings belting away, while secretly cussing an over-zealous opera director that is trying to make a believable fight scene between a 280 pound, 6'6" baritone lead and a 5'3" 130 pound leggiero tenor, can just been exhausting.  Understandably, when an opera singer wakes up after noon the next day, they are completely starving.  This gift is a must for any opera singer that you haven't seen in several months because they work when you work and work when you sleep - and I bet they have a fierce appetite.  This cookbook is filled with interviews and recipes from the greatest singers on the planet.

9. La Traviata Children's Book - Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight woman who will die of tuberculosis soon.  Goodnight light and red shoes.  Goodnight mistresses.  Goodnight affairs.  Goodnight duel that, unfortunate to the audience, we never see because it occurs between acts two and three, NOT FAIR!  Goodnight lies. Goodnight Italian-speaking, sex-crazed, misogynistic French guys.  Goodnight brush. Goodnight mush. Goodnight opera people putting the incorrect emphasis on the word "Brindisi" (it's BREEN-dee-zee) and call me pretentious for pointing out your poor Italian, SHUSH!  -- Seriously, there is no better way to teach your children about lust, gambling, jealousy, cheating, death, and what a "pure" woman is than with a children's book of Verdi's opera La Traviata.

All the music you want $10 a month  

8. Lego Sydney Opera House - Lego states "It will look beautiful displayed on a shelf or counter".  Perhaps if you actually have a shelf or counter that this would look good on, you should consider purchasing a new shelf or counter.  Nonetheless, I really want a fat Pavarotti Lego man and Aussie, Dame Joan Sutherland Lego woman that has a face at least the half the size of her body, both in their La Fille attire to go along with this set.

7. Tenor/Baritone Scented Candle - What better way to bring the smell of the opera home with you than with these tenor and baritone scented candles.  Curiously, the Met Shop does not sell Mezzo or Soprano candles.  I assume these would sensuously smell of cheese, melting makeup, and leather - infused with slight sparkles of fear and vomit (tenor) and shameful dabs of cigarette smoke and Jack Daniel's Single Barrel Select Whisky (baritone).

6. Travel Luggage Scale - This is actually a useful gift for opera singers.  Many people may not understand the difficulties of traveling as an opera singer, but we have to carry lots of clothes (and lots of shoes if you're a Soprano or Mezzo), plus all the extra little things, hair equipment, makeup entourage, emergency medicine, unnecessary amounts of  extra music, computer, and large jackets that are needed down the icy chasm of New York's Broadway during audition week in December but are too cumbersome to wear on a Delta flight because they cook you like a toaster strudel.  This gadget will save some of us a small fortune!

Part 2 coming next week!


1 comment:

  1. Katharine Janik BosssmannNovember 23, 2012 at 1:32 PM

    I want the Lego Opera House....and how does it NOT come with Pavarotti and Dame Joan??? Seriously! OK...now they must make a La Scala....a Bayreuth Festspielhaus....Wiener Oper..Berlin, München, Covent Garden...and of course The Met!!!!! Do you have influence with Lego??? Thanks for the great list Bryan!!!


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