Christmas Gifts for Opera Singers - Part 2

If you missed numbers 10-6 from last week, CLICK HERE

5. PIANO THINGS - As a musician, it is primarily assumed that I am best at what I study the most.  For most of my time in music, my studies have been centered around operatic singing, choirs, and conducting.  Still, it is rare to have three emphases, but what has always bothered me the most is that practically everyone outside of my little music sphere attributes great musicianship to "if you can play the piano or not."  Any family holiday, church choir rehearsal, or voice lesson that has required me to play the piano has typically gone well, but certainly not as well as a Yanni CD from 1994 - the pinnacle of piano virtuosity for the classical crossover-music zombie hoards.

So why get piano gifts for singers?  ANSWER: Learning by rote with a piano is the junk food of opera singers (excluding actual junk food of course).  We should be able to learn our notes with solfege and proper ear training tactics, but many opera singers forego using their brain and just do what they do best - sing loud and pretty to a condensed piano score for an incredibly talented pianist to sweat through, many times, over and over.

Piano Tie that actually plays! - CLICK TO PURCHASE

Giant Piano Mat - CLICK TO PURCHASE

4. Soap Opera Music Boxes - For those who accidentally stumble onto this site thinking it is a fan site for soap operas, you must be incredibly frightened with all the music - unlike the deathly boring silence filling the dead space within soap operas.  But to make up for their lack of a soundtrack and poor acting skills comparable to that of actual opera singers, soap operas have had great theme tunes.  With the help of these music boxes, now you can fall asleep to the same classic themes of your favorite soap operas - what I suppose you do while you "watch" these shows anyway.

Soap Opera Music Boxes - CLICK TO PURCHASE

3. MOZART - This could also be a great Halloween scare for many opera singers, but what better way to celebrate the passion of opera at Christmas than to give its greatest and arguably most annoying composer, W.A. Mozart.  Not only should an opera singer have a Mozart action figure, but they should have Little Mozart's Tini Orchestra.  Why, this tiny orchestra comes with ear plugs to give to any bystander (and it's what many opera singers need after too many Mozart productions - there's something torturous about hours of predictable, poorly acted recitative)  Now imagine how annoying little Mozart would have been if he had Little Mozart's Tiny Orchestra to compose for: miniature slide whistle, harmonica, kazoo, recorder, pan pipes, maracas, and a tambourine!  Die Zauberkazoo? Concerto for Miniature Tambourine?  Or perhaps a sexy maraca accompaniment to Giovanni's canzonetta, "Deh, vieni, alla finestra?"

Mozart Action Figure - CLICK TO PURCHASE

Little Mozart's Tini Orchestra - CLICK TO PURCHASE

2. SUGGESTIONS TO START A NEW CAREER - There's nothing easy about suggesting to an opera singer that they should graze a different pasture, especially sopranos. Therefore, ease them into a new profession, a new instrument perhaps.  Try these out for size:

1. Become a Music Box maker
2. Play the Musical Ruler that you place at the edge of a table, bend it down like a spring diving board and release it to buzz a certain pitch as shown on the ruler 
3. Perfect the ever-useful Nose Flute; and it's obviously fashionable

Music Box Maker - CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

Musical Ruler - CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

Nose Flute - CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

1. CREATIVE FRUSTRATION - Finally, every opera singer needs to feel important and pampered in order to sing well, show up on time, and learn their music correctly.  Obviously, this requires other musicians to overwhelmingly praise opera singers during the dress rehearsals, as the opera singers have been courageously learning their staging and fight scenes while the pit orchestra lives lavishly under union requirements encouraging unresolved dominant seventh chords if it cuts into their break time!  That's right all you down there in the pit, opera singers sweat and that makes us cranky and deserving of your homage payments.  However, for most opera singers, we are treated "professionally" so we need to release this frustration somehow.  Here are two ideas:

1. Curled up balls of a composers' souls
2. Art-song-pasted lampshades covering useless, non-word-producing instruments incapable of adequately conveying affection and love.

Upcycled Music Score Ornaments - CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

Clarinet Lamp - CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

Flute Lamp - CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

Trumpet Lamp - CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

Opera World Mourns Loss of Prolific Composer Kim Jong Il & More Operatic Christmas Gifts

Kim Jong Il (1942-2011)
Allegedly composed six operas and wrote the world's leading guide on operatic art "Kim Jong Il - On the Art of Opera"

Kim Jong Il - toy figurine

Beethoven - statue

Kim Jong Il (Dear Leader) was one of the greatest musicians in history.  He is arguably most famous for besting Tiger Woods as the greatest golfer of all time by hitting 11 holes-in-one on his first golf outing in 1994 on North Korea's only golf course.  Obviously, the game was too easy, and he subsequently retired after his lone golf round of 38 under-par.

Dear Leader was not only the greatest golfer in history, but he was also apparently the greatest defecator as his biography claims that he indeed did not relieve himself.  As is the case in golf, I suppose he gave that up since he was so successful upon his first try.  Dear Leader also can control the weather, invented the Hamburger, roller-bladed often, and wrote over 1,500 books in four years.

Dear Leader will be missed by many.  He often quit tasks that were too easy, or that he excelled in too much. But thankfully, he found hobbies that were more challenging (aka a hobby that he was the worst at). He spent most of his life working on these things that he was not proficient in, including being a Dictator and composing operas.  Despite his slight deficiencies, the opera world lost one of the greatest composers of our time - and certainly the least known opera composer since "The Abduction of Figaro" was discovered, written by the long lost and similarly talented composer P.D.Q. Bach.

Dear Leader's book, On the Art of Opera can be downloaded by clicking here.  Perhaps you are not ready to experience a glimpse of the divine, so I will spare you the pain and supply you with small quotes from his much beloved book, which I actually read.  I warn you not read too much, as His Central Brain's (that's a real title of his) glory will radiate your mind into a glorious yellow-cake weapons-grade uranium mush.

"Opera teaches a lot about people's life and struggle. That is why everyone likes opera."

I knew everyone had to like opera, but I didn't know why until now!

"Only opera art which champions the interests of the revolution and implements Party lines can be loved by the people"

I guess I was wrong; an opera about preserving "traditional marriage", capital punishment, and dissolving arts funding IS a good idea.

"For an opera to be popular, arias and recitatives must be replaced by popular songs and orchestral music"

As one blogger put it..."oh, like Mamma Mia"...that is an awesome opera!

"Dances must only be used in important scenes"

...like Grease

"Art for art's sake is pointless"

...spoken like a true artist!

"Recitatives are difficult to sing and awkward to listen to"

 Maybe he was trying to sing the English translations in the Schirmer opera scores

 "The lyrics are the main element of a song. Songs can be good or bad, depending on their lyrics.  All the texts of songs must be written in rhyming verse"

Two hours of rhymes are never a bad thing!

"Opera is a musical art but the audience, when enjoying an opera, pays attention primarily to the sets and backdrops."

That's unfortunate...

Other phrases of a genius:

"Songs form the major component of opera"

"Composers must never seek harmony for harmony's sake." 

"There should be a theme song in an opera.  The theme song must be a masterpiece in terms of both words and music.  It must be perfect" 

"The opera singer has to sing while acting and act while singing."

"Some singers who portray such villainous characters as a landlord or policeman should perform exaggerated, superficial actions, instead of singing well."

So, goodbye Dear Leader.  I think I speak for everyone when I say that you certainly deserved nothing of what you gained.  Those of us in the opera world would like to thank you for your overwhelming gift of ridiculous prose and hope you see the same deserving fate of Don Giovanni.

Now on to a happier topic!

OPERATIC CHRISTMAS GIFT IDEAS
click here to see gifts (1-5)

6. Wagner's Ring Cycle Bracelet - Do you have trouble remembering the plot to Wagner's 15 hour-long opera cycle?  Well, now there's an easy way to follow along at operabracelets.com.  They offer bracelets that tell the plot of the opera through colored beads and charms for over twenty of your favorite operas.  And they come with a description card so you can remember all 94 plot elements (that's right, I counted all the different beads and charms) and follow along like a rosary within Wagner's cylce of Das Rheingold, Die Walküre, Siegfried, and Götterdämmerung.

7.  Look like Wotan or Brünnhilde in this Walküre (Valkyrie) knitted hat in the Met's gift shop.

8. Swarovski crystal opera glasses.  These teeny tiny opera glasses start at $300 and contain 1300 Swarovski crystals.

9. Nothing says "You're a pretentious opera nerd" like the operatic stylings of Michael Bublé.  And, nothing says "Merry Christmas" like "pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death". In his new Christmas Album, he places himself on the Mount Rushmore of horrible classical cross-over recordings, certainly not overshadowed by the beloved Susan Boyle, with one of the worst  performed versions of Schubert's Ave Maria.  And with its gloriously horrific diction, this would be a great gift to give to those opera geeks of whom you are annoyed with, want to be mean to, or want a free diction coaching from (as in their rage, they will surely dissect all of this song's atrocities - you'll be sounding like an ancient Roman in no time!).

10.  A bottle of wine. I know I was a little hard on #9, and if you actually give #9 as a gift, PLEASE give a bottle of wine to help with the anxiety.

An Operatic Christmas Wishlist

I know I am a little late this week, but I wanted to throw some Christmas gift ideas out there for any opera lovers in your lives.  This week and next week, I will have five unique gifts.

1. Renee Fleming's album "Dark Hope".  Renee is one of the world's greatest opera singers, but last year she produced a pop album, singing remakes of famous pop songs.  Here is the closing track, Hallelujah - which was made famous by Leonard Cohen.

Renee Fleming - Hallelujahfound onChillout

There's not much I can say as far as a critique is concerned, because it isn't performed with intent of great vocal virtuosity, as are most pop songs.  Essentially, if you are entertained, then she did a good job in my opinion.  And, I really like this song.  You may remember, and I certainly do, that this song was sung as the "song of peace" at the 2010 Olympic Opening Ceremony.  I cannot play the video from the broadcast, but here is a home video from it.

Anyway, Renee certainly doesn't get as vocally involved as what many pop singers would, but the album is somewhat interesting for those who love and know her voice.  HOWEVER, don't be confused that I am hinting that I want this for Christmas.  I am certainly content with Renee's PBS Christmas specials.

2.  Perhaps I'm biased but these T-Shirts based on Kansas City's Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts are pretty awesome.

3.  Japan has a new trend! - which is great for us in America because we certainly need more things to laugh about in these gloomy times.  Behold - Pro Voice Pills!  They cost about $2.50 and contain Magnesium and Malic Acid - commonly found in Apple Juice.  On the onset, most singers would say, "oh! that makes sense" since many blindly revere Apples as a kind of wonder fruit for singing.  HOWEVER, this sweet-tart-flavored pill also, evidently, makes your throat slightly numb, thereby calming your throat and nourishing your body to create a great singing voice.  Numbing is a big no-no.  Pain is a good thing, because it tells you when you are going too far.  If you can't tell that, you can easily injure your voice.  Nonetheless, I'm sure - as many people often debate against me when it comes to "old wives' tales" - it's all in their heads.  I tend to rely on science when it comes to debating, and I am fairly certain that if anyone has any benefit from this, it must either be from a placebo effect or because they enjoy losing arguments.  This would be a great gift for those in your family who are musically challenged - however, they will likely try to sing if you give it to them...on second thought, be sure you have a glass of wine first so you can bear the torture.

4.  Pavarotti is for sale at the Haven on Earth Animal League in Fort Myers, FL http://capecoral.ebayclassifieds.com/cats-kittens/fort-myers/domestic-short-hair-black-and-white-pavarotti-medium/?ad=14191707

5.  I'm not trying to be pretentious (I just am) but I really want a "no coughing sign" to hold up during performances.  It would be ideal if it would light up so I can just hold it up while an aria is sung, so the old guy hacking in the back that doesn't want to be at the opera anyway would kindly leave so I could at least hear one whole phrase!  

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Last weekend I was privileged  to perform at the Kansas City Southern Railroad's winter ball at the beautiful Union Station in Kansas City.  Here are some pictures from the event.  The place is gigantic, like a capitol building, and echos about as intensely.  I performed some Christmas carols with two other singers, and sang a solo Ave Maria - sadly, the Schubert version...Bach/Gounod is my favorite, but I couldn't find the right key as I was looking for it at the last minute.

The place and event were gorgeous, as you would expect with brass choir, string quintet, opera singers, a red carpet with a bouncer.  The appetizers were set out along an enormous ice train sculpture (as seen below).  They had giant shrimp, crab claws, and oysters.  Oh, and for a plate, a giant seashell...how cool is that?  I only was able to have the appetizers, but it appeared as if they had bottomless wine!  I was jealous.